Four spells from the Weighty Tome of the dread Thesauromancer, Eneg Remlap!

Eneg Remlap, the not-actually-mad-but-still-somewhat-weird-and-occasionally-a-bit-of-an-ass, arch thesauromancer, opens his Weighty Tome to offer you a chance to copy four spells crafted in the High-Gygaxian arcane tradition!

All that this most beneficent gesture will cost you will be four spells of equal level in return, plus four more spells, plus some minor magic items such as a set of four potions, a scroll of four spells, or perhaps a ring of invisibility.

A most magnanimous profferal indeed!

Behold!

Remlap's Cruel Crepitation.
Level: 2
Range: 6"
Duration: instantaneous
Area of effect: 1 target creature
Components: V. S. M. ( a chicken, or other thin bone, snapped in casting.)
Casting time: 2 segments
Saving throws: VS Spells

A magic-user invoking the cruel crepitation causes the targeted creature to take 1d10 points of damage at once. In addition, the victim of the cruel crepitation must save vs spell, or instantly suffer a major bone broken. The location of the break is determined randomly by the roll of a d4.
1-a leg bone, 2-an arm bone, 3- a rib, 4-a skull fracture.
A cure serious wounds, or a heal spell, will knit the broken bone. Otherwise, it must be set, and allowed to heal naturally.


Remlap's Invoked Inebriation
Level: 2
Range: 3"
Duration: 4-6 hours
Area of effect: 1 creature of humanoid mass per level of the caster
Components: V. S. M. (a small cup of uesgah, gulped by the caster.)
Casting time: 1 segment
Saving throws: VS Spell

When the invoked inebriation is cast, one target creature per level of the caster will be instantly struck with severe drunkenness.
Affected creatures suffer, -5 to hit, -6 to intelligence, -7 to wisdom, -5 to dexterity, -4 to charisma, + 15% to morale, and gain + 3 hit points.
Unless the victim successfully saves vs spell, this state of drunkenness will last 4-6 hours before wearing off as a natural bender would.
A successful save reduces recovery time to a total of 10 rounds.
Humanoids or other monsters, of up to ogre size are affected by the invoked inebriation. Creatures of greater mass will be unaffected.


Remlap's Glaucous Crizzler
Level: 1
Range: 4"
Duration: 7 rounds
Area of effect: 1 target creature per level of the caster
Components: M. (a small lens of badly hazed glass.)
Casting time: 3 segments
Saving throws: none

One target creature per level of the caster will have it's vision reduced to a range of 10 feet, and also suffer -4 to hit for a duration of 7 rounds, due to severely blurred vision.


Remlap's Deavening Trumpet
Level: 3
Range: 12"
Duration: instantaneous
Area of effect: 120 x 30 foot cone
Components: V. S. M. (a finely made brazen horn.)
Casting time: 1 round
Saving throws: none

The Deavening Trumpet is a spell which simulates, for a single sounding, the effects of a Horn of Blasting. The required material component of the spell is a full sized brazen horn which is consumed by the spell when winded in the direction of the foe.
A cone of sound, 12" long, and 3" wide, blares forth from the horn's mouth as it vanishes. Those who are caught in the blast sustain 2d8 points of damage, are stunned for 2 rounds, and are also deafened for 3 rounds. A the same time, the deavening trumpet will cause 15 points of structural damage to any constructions it is directed at.

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I love reading dictionaries, encyclopedias, and thesauruses. Archaic words and terms which you no longer hear in contemporary conversation are just fascinating to me. This is one of the things which I like most about Gygax's writing in the Dungeon Master's Guide, and the Player's Handbook. The richness of it and the depth of word usage force you to investigate the meanings implied. Gary could appear overly florid and pompous if you weren't in the groove of his rhetoric, but trying to clarify and define just what the hell he was talking about forced you to consider the meanings of words, and also, how and why they are employed to convey concepts. This stretched my starving mind like nothing standard education had to offer.
I know I learned more about word play and etymology from Gygax, Stan Lee, and Jack Kirby as a kid than from government issue rote education.